Week Two and a few cracks

Anyone with any kind of sense knows that a challenge is going to require some hard work. Somewhere between my 2012 euphoria and m own stupidity, I signed up for a slef-love challenge and didnt think it would be too much work.

A week into it, I've cried, threatened to quit, "forgotten" to do my challenges and then come around to doing the stuff anyway.

Let's see how the rest goes.

Strength and love!

I Am Love Jar and Self Love Challenge

A good friend of mine sent me a link to something called the 30 day Self Love Challenge. The point is to really look at yourself and love yourself. I was eager to do it, I figured it would be a good exercise.

The first task was to have a jar that was filled with 20 things that you love about yourself and your contribution to others. Again, I figured that should be simple enough. I sat down with my strips of paper to fill the jar and after I'd jotted down four points, I was stuck. How can I be stuck after just four points?

Determined not to quit, I spent the next four hours sitting, thinking, wondering. Why was this so hard? Surely I think I'm quite an awesome person?

It took a total of four and a half hours to get to twenty. Clearly there's a lot of work to be done.

Yet Another New Beginning

It's a new year,which means resolutions for some, closure for others and the hope of new, happier chapters for many.

While there are many things I want for the new year, my main focus is going to be on the fact that each new day offers a new beginning. Knowing that at any moment, I can decide to map out a different path for myself is reassuring for now, so I'm going to hang on to that.

I Am Kinda Back

I'm back! To use this space as an online diary of random thoughts, feelings and experiences.
I've decided that I've got the free time - I'm just going to spend less time on twitter and more time here. At least here I can look back and remember who I was a decade from now.

A few months ago, I went through something. That something made me question who I really am and what I stand for. There were certain things I was always sure I knew about myself and when I went against one of them, I was left feeling lost, empty and disgusting.

I got through that (and this dreadful winter) and now I want to start inspiring myself again. I want to read more, sit in the sun, go to museums, cook up tasty treats and spend time with the people I love.

The last time I posted, I said I'd lost my passion. I'm still looking for it and now I believe that I'm going to find it.

Grateful, happy and loved
Zama

Where Did You Go?

I've lost my passion. Luckily this time around it's not my passion for life as a whole but my passion for what I do for a living. I don't know when it happened excatly but I need to find it. Waking up every morning and leaving your passion at the door is something I liken to being suicidal, everyday you leave that passion at the door, you loss a bit of yourself.

So passion, I know you're out there. I'm looking for you and I hope you're looking for me too.

Random Brain Fart

You love,even in those broken places that creak when you touch too hard
You taste, those places that have me blushing and surrendering simultaenously
You provide, the things that no one else could cater to
You soothe, even when you're not gentle, the motion stays soothing
You see, past the dozens layers that I call emotional armour
You probe, the desire to open up leaves me breathless.

A Reminder of Shattered Dreams

Damn Facebook. I haven’t been on for ages, purely because there are too many memories there, too many mutual friends, just too much work. Today I went on, looked through a couple of old pics and boom. A wave of emotions hit me. I never did delete those old pictures of my ex husband and I. Why? I don’t know, maybe it hurt too much. I haven’t even changed my marital status on the damned thing.

Throughout I felt like I was being torn to pieces. We were so happy, how the hell did we end up so distant and fucked up? The answer isn’t a simple one; the pain that stays behind however is very real. The feelings I felt when I looked at those pictures were very real. It didn’t seem like a life I’d never lived. It looked like our shattered hopes and dreams. It looked like what I had lived through was my worst nightmare and yet here I was still looking back and feeling the pain.

There are moments, real moments when I want it all back. I want us to go back to specific dates and twist fate so that certain events never occur. I want us to go back to laughing and being in love and planning this entire life ahead of us. I want it all back, just how it was before the nightmare began.

I don’t always feel this way but today I do. Today I miss the friend I had in him. Today I miss the husband I had in him. I miss the jokes that belonged to just us. I miss sleeping in a place I called the nook on his body. Today I’m a bit angry about events that went down. I’m disappointed at not being given a proper shot at it. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t take anymore even though I said ‘til death do us part’. Rationally I know that it’s not that simple but does it make my feelings any less valid? I don’t think so.

Right now I want to call him and talk to him. I don’t want him back but I want him to know I love him and that no matter what I say, I’ll always care. I want him to say something that will make me recognise him again.

I fear none of that is actually going to happen. The pretty picture turned to shards of dangerous glass ages ago.