We live in a society where women's bodies are a more popular topic than important issue, like maybe starving HIV orphans. Some women have managed to escape this trap that has us spending countless hours wondering if we're thin enough or thick enough or whatever else happens in the minds of women like me.
My journey with weight issues started with my family. I'm from a weight conscious family, my entire extended family is that way inclined. My father is disgusted by fat; he believes it’s a side effect of laziness. My mother isn’t very weight conscious, the fact that she is tiny (with perky boobs after 3 children) and therefore never had to understand the weight struggle. My extended family comments on everyone’s weight before they properly ask how you are doing. This has often meant that family functions are a pain in the ass when you've gained a few. We’ve had people’s jaws wired shit, one gastric bypass, and millions of attempts at all kinds of diets.
Although I have never been really fat, I have been quite chubby. That time was very psychologically traumatising for me. I was in my teens and I went from skinny but curvy girl who could wear whatever to chubby, all in one summer holiday. People commented, it hurt my feeling and I hated myself, obsessed over it and started judging myself for it. It took years before that weight fell off but in that time I felt like a lot of people judged me. My parents however didn’t, which helped but it only erased a small bit of the damage I’d done to myself by taking so much of the negativity in.
Ten years down the line, I don’t think I can see myself properly anymore. I lost 3.5 kg recently thanks to healthier eating. Even though I am pretty small, there's a girl who lives in my head and she has a roll or two on her back. That girl scares me, she shows up in my head at the most inconvenient times and she loves to taunt me.
I've been thin, so I know that being thin will not make me happy but there's still an almost magnetic pull about it. My weight issues are usually well masked because I'm not fat but are they any less real??
I've realised that fitting into the size small dress, from a shop that is notorious for making small clothes, didn’t make me feel any thinner or happier. I am now working towards seeing myself again, accurately seeing myself.
Somehow I need to let go of that chubby girl in my head or more importantly, let go of the hurt that came with being that girl. That power has had power over girls’ lives for far too long don’t you think?
