Random Brain Fart

You love,even in those broken places that creak when you touch too hard
You taste, those places that have me blushing and surrendering simultaenously
You provide, the things that no one else could cater to
You soothe, even when you're not gentle, the motion stays soothing
You see, past the dozens layers that I call emotional armour
You probe, the desire to open up leaves me breathless.

A Reminder of Shattered Dreams

Damn Facebook. I haven’t been on for ages, purely because there are too many memories there, too many mutual friends, just too much work. Today I went on, looked through a couple of old pics and boom. A wave of emotions hit me. I never did delete those old pictures of my ex husband and I. Why? I don’t know, maybe it hurt too much. I haven’t even changed my marital status on the damned thing.

Throughout I felt like I was being torn to pieces. We were so happy, how the hell did we end up so distant and fucked up? The answer isn’t a simple one; the pain that stays behind however is very real. The feelings I felt when I looked at those pictures were very real. It didn’t seem like a life I’d never lived. It looked like our shattered hopes and dreams. It looked like what I had lived through was my worst nightmare and yet here I was still looking back and feeling the pain.

There are moments, real moments when I want it all back. I want us to go back to specific dates and twist fate so that certain events never occur. I want us to go back to laughing and being in love and planning this entire life ahead of us. I want it all back, just how it was before the nightmare began.

I don’t always feel this way but today I do. Today I miss the friend I had in him. Today I miss the husband I had in him. I miss the jokes that belonged to just us. I miss sleeping in a place I called the nook on his body. Today I’m a bit angry about events that went down. I’m disappointed at not being given a proper shot at it. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t take anymore even though I said ‘til death do us part’. Rationally I know that it’s not that simple but does it make my feelings any less valid? I don’t think so.

Right now I want to call him and talk to him. I don’t want him back but I want him to know I love him and that no matter what I say, I’ll always care. I want him to say something that will make me recognise him again.

I fear none of that is actually going to happen. The pretty picture turned to shards of dangerous glass ages ago.

Can You Still See Yourself?

We live in a society where women's bodies are a more popular topic than important issue, like maybe starving HIV orphans. Some women have managed to escape this trap that has us spending countless hours wondering if we're thin enough or thick enough or whatever else happens in the minds of women like me.

My journey with weight issues started with my family. I'm from a weight conscious family, my entire extended family is that way inclined. My father is disgusted by fat; he believes it’s a side effect of laziness. My mother isn’t very weight conscious, the fact that she is tiny (with perky boobs after 3 children) and therefore never had to understand the weight struggle. My extended family comments on everyone’s weight before they properly ask how you are doing. This has often meant that family functions are a pain in the ass when you've gained a few. We’ve had people’s jaws wired shit, one gastric bypass, and millions of attempts at all kinds of diets.

Although I have never been really fat, I have been quite chubby. That time was very psychologically traumatising for me. I was in my teens and I went from skinny but curvy girl who could wear whatever to chubby, all in one summer holiday. People commented, it hurt my feeling and I hated myself, obsessed over it and started judging myself for it. It took years before that weight fell off but in that time I felt like a lot of people judged me. My parents however didn’t, which helped but it only erased a small bit of the damage I’d done to myself by taking so much of the negativity in.

Ten years down the line, I don’t think I can see myself properly anymore. I lost 3.5 kg recently thanks to healthier eating. Even though I am pretty small, there's a girl who lives in my head and she has a roll or two on her back. That girl scares me, she shows up in my head at the most inconvenient times and she loves to taunt me.

I've been thin, so I know that being thin will not make me happy but there's still an almost magnetic pull about it. My weight issues are usually well masked because I'm not fat but are they any less real??

I've realised that fitting into the size small dress, from a shop that is notorious for making small clothes, didn’t make me feel any thinner or happier. I am now working towards seeing myself again, accurately seeing myself.

Somehow I need to let go of that chubby girl in my head or more importantly, let go of the hurt that came with being that girl. That power has had power over girls’ lives for far too long don’t you think?

Why I Always Choose Love (part 1 of 7 million)

Love, is something that we all want. Whether it comes in the form of family, friends or a romantic relationship, it seems everyone wants it. A cousin of mine recently asked how I could have fallen in love just a year after my divorce. That made me think- initially I felt she was judging me and I was bout to go on a rant but I didn’t.

I, after a couple of hours of thinking about it, told her that I found love because I am always open to it, even when I am hurt. When I fell in love with lovely man known as the boyfriend, I wasn’t even anywhere near looking for love. I'd just walked out of a relationship I'd believe would last forever. I had plans of kids and drinking gin on the porch with my ex husband at an old age. When I realised that wasn’t going to happen, my system went into shock. You see, I knew for months before I actually left that we were not going to work out. So, in a panic, I tried everything under the sun- having sex even when I didn't want to, going for therapy, begging him to go for therapy, speaking to his parents, speaking to my parents, moving out for a little bit, asking if he wants to have sex with other women- when I say damn near everything, I mean just that.

There was a time when I thought that if I gave up on this love, I would be giving up on myself, so I came up with all kinds of new angles to try save it. In the end, nothing worked.

I figured I'd give myself time to heal and all of that stuff that grown people are encouraged to do when they split. It didn’t work out that way, some say that was y first mistake, I look at it as the first ray of hope to the future that I had in front of me.

A year down the line this chance meeting with the boyfriend is the second best thing to happen to me in a year and I couldn’t be happier.

My little bit of advice (keep in mind that I don’t know very much, so take it with a pinch of salt). No matter how much you've hurt, never close your heart off to love (all kinds). It is after all the centre of life.

The Proctrastinator

I am a procrastinator. It's a terrible quality that seems to creep into various aspects of my life. I'm the girl who started a blog then posted nothing on it for a few weeks...that ends now.
For the past few weeks I've been doing two things mainly - working and focusing on my diet. Somewhere in between that I've managed to see friends, fawn over my nephew and give loads of TLC to the lovely man I call my boyfriend. See I procrastinate but I'm a multi tasker :-)

The diet experience has been an interesting one considering the fact that I've gone most of my life eating whatever the hell I want. I'd not eaten any decent vegetables in over a decade (some mean bastard made it their job to point out that chips aren't veggies), I also generally don’t drink water- for years I told myself that the taste made me want to gag, so gin was always a better option (it's clear).

Fast forward to many creamy pasta dinner and fried chicken meals washed down with fizzy drinks, wine and almost anything alcoholic and I was looking and feeling like a mess. I had a meltdown in front of the boyfriend when my jeans wouldn’t fit and from that moment on, I decided that I will not be the chubby girl in summer... so started operation Summer Bunny.

No carbs (blasphemous I know), no sugar and veggies with every meal. The night before i was due to start, I did what any self respecting girl would do, I are everything in sight and drank wine directly from the bottle (okay I do this all the time but you get the point)

I was moody for a week, had no libido for a week (this alone made it tempting for me to eat a roll stuffed with chips and cheese, followed by creamy pasta) and my skin looked weird.

Now 3 weeks later, my skin looks good (the smoking makes it hard for it to be great) and I'm thinner, happier and feel pretty good.

Now that I've mastered (kind of) , the art of not procrastinating on my weight loss, I'm promising myself that I'll blog at least 3 times a week (even though no one reads this blog lol)

Love and happiness all round

Ninja's Aunt xxx

Hello World

Hi world, I am Ninja's Aunt. I'm someone's daughter, sister, friend, mentor (giggles) and one lucky bastard's girlfriend.

My blog is called NinjasAunt because it represents salvation for me, an outlet of sorts. I became the aunt to a Ninja on the 10th of March 2010 and my life hasn't been quite the same since. The Ninja saved me from myself, he showed me that there's a lot more to life than my rants and breakdowns. So this blog is dedicated to my nephew -Bo. In your eyes, I see hope and I see love from many generations- all of it living in you.

I started this blog because I miss writing. It's weird because I write for a living but it feels like I haven't written in years. This is my personal space to write what I like- it may not always make sense but I want to share it - even if it's only with myself. I've been threatening to start this blog for ages now but I've spent the last few months chasing my own tail for most of the time.

A wise friend told me to stop running and look at myself and deal with what and who Iam. I did that for the first time in ages the other day, and scary as it was, I needed to check myself because I was starting to fight against my own cause.

So here, I share my great bits, my ugly bits, my neurotic moments and everything in between.

Love and light to anyone who may come across this blog.