Random Brain Fart

You love,even in those broken places that creak when you touch too hard
You taste, those places that have me blushing and surrendering simultaenously
You provide, the things that no one else could cater to
You soothe, even when you're not gentle, the motion stays soothing
You see, past the dozens layers that I call emotional armour
You probe, the desire to open up leaves me breathless.

A Reminder of Shattered Dreams

Damn Facebook. I haven’t been on for ages, purely because there are too many memories there, too many mutual friends, just too much work. Today I went on, looked through a couple of old pics and boom. A wave of emotions hit me. I never did delete those old pictures of my ex husband and I. Why? I don’t know, maybe it hurt too much. I haven’t even changed my marital status on the damned thing.

Throughout I felt like I was being torn to pieces. We were so happy, how the hell did we end up so distant and fucked up? The answer isn’t a simple one; the pain that stays behind however is very real. The feelings I felt when I looked at those pictures were very real. It didn’t seem like a life I’d never lived. It looked like our shattered hopes and dreams. It looked like what I had lived through was my worst nightmare and yet here I was still looking back and feeling the pain.

There are moments, real moments when I want it all back. I want us to go back to specific dates and twist fate so that certain events never occur. I want us to go back to laughing and being in love and planning this entire life ahead of us. I want it all back, just how it was before the nightmare began.

I don’t always feel this way but today I do. Today I miss the friend I had in him. Today I miss the husband I had in him. I miss the jokes that belonged to just us. I miss sleeping in a place I called the nook on his body. Today I’m a bit angry about events that went down. I’m disappointed at not being given a proper shot at it. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t take anymore even though I said ‘til death do us part’. Rationally I know that it’s not that simple but does it make my feelings any less valid? I don’t think so.

Right now I want to call him and talk to him. I don’t want him back but I want him to know I love him and that no matter what I say, I’ll always care. I want him to say something that will make me recognise him again.

I fear none of that is actually going to happen. The pretty picture turned to shards of dangerous glass ages ago.