Damn Facebook. I haven’t been on for ages, purely because there are too many memories there, too many mutual friends, just too much work. Today I went on, looked through a couple of old pics and boom. A wave of emotions hit me. I never did delete those old pictures of my ex husband and I. Why? I don’t know, maybe it hurt too much. I haven’t even changed my marital status on the damned thing.
Throughout I felt like I was being torn to pieces. We were so happy, how the hell did we end up so distant and fucked up? The answer isn’t a simple one; the pain that stays behind however is very real. The feelings I felt when I looked at those pictures were very real. It didn’t seem like a life I’d never lived. It looked like our shattered hopes and dreams. It looked like what I had lived through was my worst nightmare and yet here I was still looking back and feeling the pain.
There are moments, real moments when I want it all back. I want us to go back to specific dates and twist fate so that certain events never occur. I want us to go back to laughing and being in love and planning this entire life ahead of us. I want it all back, just how it was before the nightmare began.
I don’t always feel this way but today I do. Today I miss the friend I had in him. Today I miss the husband I had in him. I miss the jokes that belonged to just us. I miss sleeping in a place I called the nook on his body. Today I’m a bit angry about events that went down. I’m disappointed at not being given a proper shot at it. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t take anymore even though I said ‘til death do us part’. Rationally I know that it’s not that simple but does it make my feelings any less valid? I don’t think so.
Right now I want to call him and talk to him. I don’t want him back but I want him to know I love him and that no matter what I say, I’ll always care. I want him to say something that will make me recognise him again.
I fear none of that is actually going to happen. The pretty picture turned to shards of dangerous glass ages ago.
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